New Beginnings

I can't believe an entire year has passed since my first, and last post. It is not that there has been nothing going on, or that I haven't had much to say. A lot of it has to do with this past year acting as a huge transitional period for me. I have had a whole year to look back and reflect on what I have been doing, where I am going and what I want out of life. It is not surprising that I would start something and not continue with it. Story of my life. It's something I have been working on. I mean hell, I have never been one to follow a routine and stick with it, ever. Perhaps I'm not very disciplined, or perhaps I have a short attention span. But I would like to change that.

I am not sure why it is that I am my own worst critic, that i lack confidence in my abilities, despite the fact that I KNOW there are a great many things I am good at. I find myself saying "CAN'T", like, "I can't do a side plank" when at the gym, or "I can't take dance lessons" or "I can't find a job I like", "I can't", "I can't", "I can't". I felt like Jennifer Hudson Pre-Weight Watchers', minus the Academy Award and Grammy. But found her positively affirming song where she sings "I CAN" over and over again, very inspiring. What happened and why is it that I am always selling myself short. Why can't I? Why not? I don't see why I can't accomplish anything I set my mind to. But I have put up this mental hurdle that for years, I have been trying to surmount. Has my confidence level really been so shot from years of settling for less that I deserve.

The reason I have been thinking about my own mental road blocks has to do with what happened after my shift last night. For more than 2 years I have worked at the same Restaurant/Brewery, doing my job and doing it well. Last night I was told they would be taking me off the schedule, and that I had a choice to finish out my scheduled shifts or have them covered. Of course I agreed to finish out my shifts, and bow out gracefully. I gave them 2 years of loyal employment, and mostly kept a positive attitude. I loved the atmosphere and the people, but I had a really hard time feeling comfortable there just because of the way I felt I was judged by the management. Not that I am saying anything bad about them, they do what they do well and I have great respect for their family business. As mush as I enjoyed certain aspects of the job, it felt to me more like an abusive relationship that I couldn't leave, than just a job. I had been ready to quit for the past year, but for some reason I felt I couldn't quit for this and that reason, always making an excuse because I was comfortable, well more like complacent. I was complacent, stuck in mud, not progressing forward. I had gotten everything I could from the job long before I started feeling this way, but I didn't want to admit it or change it because I thought that if I stuck around long enough, something would change. But it didn't. It became the same bullshit day in and day out.

It got to the point where on a daily basis, I would think about quitting, like giving them the big "F#$^% You!". But I refrained, because I have dignity and class. Perhaps my job performance was suffering. I was an Expo. I ran food to tables, not exactly the most glamorous job. I am also a student and a Nanny. Perhaps doing too much kept me distracted. So perhaps I was making more mistakes than usual, I am human after all. I think a write up or a warning would have been warranted prior to the kiss off. Just a little heads up. Whatever their justification is, I'm sure they had their reasons. I just feel very wronged. In retrospect, the philosophy "quit while your ahead" is really applicable. I should have quit long ago, the minute I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of my dead end job. But hindsight is always 20/20.

I see this as a positive in the long run. I was very unhappy working there, and dreaded going to every shift, though, while at work, I tried to do my best with a positive attitude. But inside I was growing bitter, resentful and under appreciated. The trifecta of work dissatisfaction. Never a good sign. I stayed up all night last night thinking about my plan of action. Where to now? What kind of job do I want? I have the opportunity to start fresh with a new job with new people, and fresh energy. Perhaps restaurant work isn't for me.

At the end of the day, I know I deserve better and am capable of accomplishing so much more for myself. I can do what I put my mind to, and I will. Because I am so tired of doubting myself and holding myself back. I deserve the life that I have imagined for myself, and I will not sell myself short, no matter how long it will take and how much I have to grow and learn.

My boyfriend made a comment to me a few weeks ago, telling me that I was selling myself short...he was of course referring to my living situation (as a share a bedroom in a 2 bedroom apartment for $550 a month) but he was right. I do sell myself short, in so many ways. And you know what, I no longer want to feel like I am doing less than what I am mentally and physically capable of. So I look forward to my job search, and creating a life that is more deserving and fitting for me and my abilities, and I won't look back, not once.